Friday, 12 December 2014

How Can You Tell If A Seagull Is A Lesbian?


    [seagulls fly across the sky]
Dreyfus once wrote from Devil's Island that he would see the most glorious birds.Many years later in Brittany he realised they had only been seagulls... For me they will always be - glorious birds.

Of course 'Maude' didn't know what she was talking about!  Seagulls are filthy, horrible creatures, very much the rats of the North Sea.  But I needed a quotation which included Seagulls and I sure as hell wasn't going to use that Cantona rubbish!

I could have gone with 'Mine! Mine! Mine!' from 'Finding Nemo' but that one lacked a little in the impact and sheer pointless poetic rhetoric...

No, I got onto the thinking about the life of a Seagull the other night as I was moving from one module of the romantically-named '47-3B' (It trips of the tongue, don't it!?!) in the also romantically named 'Rough' field.  Why they would name a gas field after the kind of manly intercourse which I assume must go on in Gyms all around the North Sea, I have no idea.  Be warned, I have not witnessed anything like what I've just described, I'm only going on the noises I hear emanating from behind the closed Gym door.  I can only imagine that is the reason they play such terrible pounding techno music, to mask the grunts and whimpers.

But where was I?

Oh yes, I was making my way between modules carrying an armful of tools back to our container when I chanced to gaze on a flock of resting Seagulls upon the moonlit surface of the water, they had probably been there the whole time but only on this night was the moon so full it illuminated the entire field.  I had caught glimpses of others amongst their number huddled around the base of the legs of the platform but the way they slept on the undulating waters got me thinking about the life they must lead.
I came to a perfectly reasonable conclusion, 'God, I'm glad I am not a Seagull.  Imagine trying to eke out an existence out here...Permanently!  I get to go home in a few days/a week or so/a couple of weeks**Delete as appropriate**.'

Then, I put myself in the position of the Seagull.  He;s probably thinking, 'By the mighty Gull! (I don't know what religion a Seagull might follow) Look at those poor orange blokes, they have to traipse around carrying armfuls of stuff, I saw that one before, he was crouched under a set of boards trying to undo some bolts, the poor wretch!  All I have to do is hunt around for a bit of fish and sleep here on the ocean, I WIN!'

Honestly, you will think about the weirdest things just to pass a little bit of time out here.  What I think I mean by all this is that life is like drawing landscapes, it's all about perspective, you can't just assume you know everything about someone or something just by looking at it for a few minutes.  You only need to read the feedback to any post ever put on the Internet on any website, EVER to realise that this is true (Not just the Mail Online...Mainly the Mail Online though, that thing is awful!).

So Happy trails my Seagull friend!  Oh. he's been eaten by a Seal, never mind I WIN!

(I did say there were very few quotations regarding Seagulls but it appears I was wrong, have another one)
Neil Hannon Rocks!!

Sunday, 7 December 2014

Beyonce NAKED!! Shameless Advertising Britney Spears Naked!

Shameless Advertising!!

Sorry for the ruthless google fishing but just wanted to advertise my mindless witterings are freely available on Twitter and Facebook (although mostly Twitter, seeing as it seems the most appropriate place for mindlessness)...
My Twitter is updated far more often than any other resource as the proliferation of WiFi offshore these days allows me to post ever more revealing pics of the Offshore life.

(NOTE: I ALWAYS follow back, can't stand people who don't)


'Attackbadgernellystyle' on Facebook

Come for the pictures, stay for the ignorance...
Not the real one I know, but I enjoyed it...

Neil Hannon Rocks!!

Saturday, 6 December 2014

Back Among the Z-Men...

Am back after a long and self-imposed exile. Although 'Exile' is probably too strong a word for not being arsed to write anything up.
 No, the real reason is simple lethargy on my part.  Perhaps it was a very real state of post 'Big Red' euphoria that washed over me the day after my last post.  That day marked my handing in my notice to the Aberdeen office and heading 'Down South' to pastures new, or at least new to me...sort of. 
 A change is as good as a rest and for me that change was from red to blue (although, I have a terrible feeling that due to commercial enterprise that blue will soon be reverting to red).

So I said my farewells to the grey skies, the grey buildings and the grey-faced people (but mostly the grey skies) of Aberdeen and ignoring tales of 'six-fingered-hand tools' I set off towards the glorious sunshine of a brave tomorrow in Not-So-Great Yarmouth!!

Now, while a change of company's to work for in some industries might be seen as a big shake up and a life altering decision, you must believe me when I say a change of offshore service company is about as new and revolutionary as Trigger's Broom.

Although it does put me in quite an advantageous position, as an outsider, to dispel some of the more malicious rumours concerning Yarmouth and the Norfolk area in general.

It is NOT TRUE that most Norfolk area family trees look less like a tree and more like a bunch of bind weed.

It is NOT TRUE that Norfolk is full of close-knit communities that are so close-knit that they only contain around 3 or 4 family surnames.

And finally, the big one...It is DEFINITELY NOT TRUE that the people in Norfolk have all got 6 fingers and webbed toes.  In the year I've been down here I've only met four or five people like that (and three of them were in Lowestoft, so that definitely doesn't count).

Anyway, I have a whole year of adventures to catch you up on.  Now that I have escaped the yoke of Disk Cheney and his not inconsiderable henchmen, I finally managed to get to work somewhere other than the North Sea, Northern Sector.  So be prepared for tales of far off distant lands such as Norway and Tunisia (that's it so far but I hope to have more soon).

Be back soon, please drink responsibly (or not, what do I care?!)

PS, All this talk of Trigger inspired me to add this little gem, enjoy

Neil Hannon Rocks!