Friday, 12 December 2014

How Can You Tell If A Seagull Is A Lesbian?


    [seagulls fly across the sky]
Dreyfus once wrote from Devil's Island that he would see the most glorious birds.Many years later in Brittany he realised they had only been seagulls... For me they will always be - glorious birds.

Of course 'Maude' didn't know what she was talking about!  Seagulls are filthy, horrible creatures, very much the rats of the North Sea.  But I needed a quotation which included Seagulls and I sure as hell wasn't going to use that Cantona rubbish!

I could have gone with 'Mine! Mine! Mine!' from 'Finding Nemo' but that one lacked a little in the impact and sheer pointless poetic rhetoric...

No, I got onto the thinking about the life of a Seagull the other night as I was moving from one module of the romantically-named '47-3B' (It trips of the tongue, don't it!?!) in the also romantically named 'Rough' field.  Why they would name a gas field after the kind of manly intercourse which I assume must go on in Gyms all around the North Sea, I have no idea.  Be warned, I have not witnessed anything like what I've just described, I'm only going on the noises I hear emanating from behind the closed Gym door.  I can only imagine that is the reason they play such terrible pounding techno music, to mask the grunts and whimpers.

But where was I?

Oh yes, I was making my way between modules carrying an armful of tools back to our container when I chanced to gaze on a flock of resting Seagulls upon the moonlit surface of the water, they had probably been there the whole time but only on this night was the moon so full it illuminated the entire field.  I had caught glimpses of others amongst their number huddled around the base of the legs of the platform but the way they slept on the undulating waters got me thinking about the life they must lead.
I came to a perfectly reasonable conclusion, 'God, I'm glad I am not a Seagull.  Imagine trying to eke out an existence out here...Permanently!  I get to go home in a few days/a week or so/a couple of weeks**Delete as appropriate**.'

Then, I put myself in the position of the Seagull.  He;s probably thinking, 'By the mighty Gull! (I don't know what religion a Seagull might follow) Look at those poor orange blokes, they have to traipse around carrying armfuls of stuff, I saw that one before, he was crouched under a set of boards trying to undo some bolts, the poor wretch!  All I have to do is hunt around for a bit of fish and sleep here on the ocean, I WIN!'

Honestly, you will think about the weirdest things just to pass a little bit of time out here.  What I think I mean by all this is that life is like drawing landscapes, it's all about perspective, you can't just assume you know everything about someone or something just by looking at it for a few minutes.  You only need to read the feedback to any post ever put on the Internet on any website, EVER to realise that this is true (Not just the Mail Online...Mainly the Mail Online though, that thing is awful!).

So Happy trails my Seagull friend!  Oh. he's been eaten by a Seal, never mind I WIN!

(I did say there were very few quotations regarding Seagulls but it appears I was wrong, have another one)
Neil Hannon Rocks!!