Thursday, 19 September 2013

Simon Cowell Killed My Dream...

The death of the 'variety show' was a dreadful loss to the British TV industry.  As anyone who looks at it seriously would know, the variety show didn't die of natural causes, no, it was murdered by television Exec's seeming obsession with dancers and their continuing (and rather baffling) love affair with Simon Cowell.

One of my favourite acts that you always used to see on such shows was the plate spinner, the guys who basically did just that (I suppose the term 'variety' can only stretch so far), they spun plates.  The thrill was very much in the imminent and innate danger that it would all come crashing down around their ears at any time.  It always would of course but that was often turned into some kind of finale and even though exactly what you thought would happen did happen, you were left satisfied (almost the exact opposite of a magic trick) especially as you got to see loads of crockery get smashed - they were simpler times!

Up until yesterday on this job we were smack bang in the middle of our act, we had all our plates spinning easily and steady, although given the simplicity of the job we are here to perform we may as well have only 1 plate spinning on 1 pole.  For all the progress we are making it may as well have been glued there.

In fact, we were preparing to jump ship and go home for a few days as this job was at a standstill.  That was the old crew's plan at least (That crew being the one who arrived when we did).  That crew were on their way home having completed their trip, it is indeed, alright for some...

So we were watching our plate, preparing to knock it into our hand and take our applause when we were invited to meet the new Ops Super.  As happens so many times, a new crew equals a new plan.
Let's not send you home, we need to assess the problems we're having, the ones causing the hold up, before we make that call...
We got the Tannoy around 3PM, we were staying on for the foreseeable future.  Oh the joys!
I'm not entirely sure if the cracking sound I heard after receiving this news was the metaphorical plate bypassing my outstretched hand and smashing into the floor or merely the sound of my heart and spirit finally breaking beyond repair...

Now, some of you may be saying that this only makes for one plate and so the original image of the variety act was a wee bit melodramatic.  To you I say, 'Calm down!  What is wrong with you people?!  This is a free site isn't it?!'
No, the pain is far from over...

This news alone would not have been enough to make me miss catching the plate (yes, I'm persisting with the metaphor) however, this was not the only tragedy to befall us yesterday.  I had been enjoying the rare and privileged position of using an empty office, the owner of said office had returned on the flight I should have been on.  So in one fell swoop, I had lost out on going home to see my family, I had a whole new crew to get used to, I lost my comfy seat in a lovely office with its very own Sky box and big telly.  I was cast out like a fallen angel, doomed to wander the netherworld of the public TV lounge where I could no longer watch what i want, when I want.

It was so bad that I couldn't even watch the current run of season 4 of 'Modern Family' on Sky One.  Not only this but there is now a distinct lack of available plug sockets and so we are reduced to a veritable timetable of charging for our various electrical devices (quite a pickle when your comrade in arms is using an iPad).

And so I sit here on the 'standby' table, relegated to a drafty corner (Crash!!) with an awkwardly positioned Laptop teetering near the edge of my desk (Smash!!), having to use a public phone (Bang!) which is never available (Boom!) and what's worse, where I am now sat, everyone can now see what I'm looking at online (Clang!!)!!

Great!  Wish I'd never mentioned plate spinning, now I've got 'Devil's Gallop' playing non-stop inside my head!

Neil Hannon Rocks!!