Wednesday, 18 September 2013

The Crew Change Fandango

There are some sights offshore that you never tire of seeing;  A fresh bundle of bedding lying on the floor outside your cabin door, your name on the subsequent flight list confirming your suspicion that you are going off (Not always guaranteed), a tray full of cooked steaks in the serving hatch, a 'speciality menu' in the galley indicating a theme night for your tea.  But as we hurtle into week 3 of this 7 - 10 day job there is one which has cropped up a few times...'The Crew Change Fandango'.

It is a very simple dance with only a few moves...1, 2 and Heli Admin, 1,2 and TV Lounge, 1,2 and coffee machine and relax...
It is at this point that the dance becomes rather muddled and a bit of a free-for-all, if anything it changes from a poorly co-ordinated dance to something of a death march as 'comfortably' dressed men wander about the place like they are waiting to be called into an audition for a remake of 'Day Of The Dead'.

You can always tell when it's crew change day for the regulars as you start seeing people wearing polo shirts and jumpers when previously you'd only ever seen them in grubby tees and jogging bottoms .  Sometimes a collar can be a dead giveaway...

Most crew change flight passengers can be split into 2 demographics, mostly determined by their age. The older, more 'sensible' passengers are dressed like your Dad going to a barbecue/housewarming party at their sister's cousin's friend's house in the suburbs.  Almost in a way to show that they've recently had a trolley dash in a charity shop.  If London Fashion Week were ever to target middle-aged fathers I can let them have some numbers for models.

There are however some 'hip' young guys who feel it is their sole responsibility to prove that some offshore workers are willing to pay more than £10 for any single item of clothing.  It is a responsibility that some of them take way too far.

 There is a bewildering array of clothing people choose to wear while travelling offshore and back, some of their T-shirts can cost upwards of £30!  A £30 T-shirt seems like waste of money to me, especially when you consider the fashion for the 'distressed' look.  This has started to mean that the cheaper a shirt looks, the more likely it is to have cost a fortune.

I do not waste my time with such frivolities of course. I do dress with a certain 'Elan'
More accurately known as 'Mat - Elan'...
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The more observant of any regular readers (do I have regular readers?  Those poor wretches) will have noticed that I appear to still be offshore, despite having been placed on the flight list a number of times now. 
 I am on the list right now, it stares straight at me as I go to the Galley for my dinner!

We were told this morning that we were on our way home tomorrow.
Then they had their crew change.

This job has now been on again, off again more than Jordan's knickers.
We are currently 'On Hold' very much like a chopper that no-one trusts, we may be here for some time (and nobody is interested in checking out my undercarriage any time soon...).

My main concern though is for my crew mate, he was left here the other weekend when I managed to grab an almost complete day at home (almost) and as a result has had far more of the monotony that being stuck on a rig can offer than I have.  He was elated at the news this morning and is more than a little deflated now.

On the plus side, since we seem doomed to never set foot outside it makes it a little easier to be on 'suicide watch'.  The only real danger of being stuck indoors for hours on end on a rig like this (Wi-Fi abounds!) is spending money on eBay!!

Neil Hannon Rocks!!
You want proof?  Fine!
 
Even with terrible sound, the effortless charm and natural humour comes through...